Jokes and Iroies from the Internet

Good value

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:39:03 GMT

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon..

Bloody good value that!

Sayings to think about

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 11:06:11 GMT

1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

15.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

18.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .

21 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

22 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

23.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Five cases when it is OK to say the 'F' word or 'Oh Poo Poo'.

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:00:11 GMT

Passion at work

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 20:22:01 GMT

A new employee

You are listening to Stevie Wonder
(It's your first day at work and all is fine and great)

After 3 months ...

You are listening to HOUSE music
(because you are so busy that you're not sure if you're coming or going)

After 6 months...

You are listening to Heavy Metal
(your days start at 0800 and end at 2000)

After 9 months...

You are listening to Hip Hop
(You become fat due to stress and now you suffer from constipation)

After a year...

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP
(Your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you fall out of bed and live on caffeine!!)

And finally, after a second year...

You are listening to Techno
and have gone a bit... well... crazy!

I'll get my own back

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:49:24 GMT

I'll get my own back. Phillip Holt 1982
www.nlpnow.com

Nobody loves me

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 22:45:21 GMT

Pregnant Unwed Daughter

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 22:16:29 GMT

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.

Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility.

If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

How men got their looks.

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:17:47 GMT

How men got their looks.

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Pride and Joy

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 08:50:41 GMT

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Embedded Commands

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 09:12:27 GMT

This is one of the cleverest emails in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Computers, male or female?

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:28:17 GMT

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with othercomputers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

     4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
         for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a
        better model.

The women won.

English will be the official language of the European Union

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 11:46:59 GMT

An announcement has been made, quote :-

"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one letter less.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas."

Things You Shouldn't Find in Your Garden

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 23:44:36 GMT

The New Fuel

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 10:36:27 GMT

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of petrol,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

Wait for it….wait for it…………..

You're just gonna love this…..

Bras

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 19:43:31 GMT

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never lets you down, or leaves you Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

As I Mature

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:11:39 GMT

Too much work

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:34:11 GMT

Boyfriends

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 08:48:11 GMT

Hope you Enjoy a good laugh!

MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day!!

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in on place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

and thinking of calling Jack Daniels or Johnny Walker to come and kepp me company.

Now remember:-
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...
the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes ...
so have fun, think good thoughts only, and laugh at yourself, and count your blessings.

Do they know what they are talking about?

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 15:23:11 GMT

LAW ON AMENDMENTS TO THE LAW ON AMENDMENTS TO SOME LAWS

Law No. 5453 Date of Acceptance: 1.2.2006

ARTICLE 1 – The current provisional article of the Law for Making Amendments to Some Laws No: 5397 of 3/7/2005 was numbered with “1” and the following provisional article was added to the Law.

“PROVISIONAL ARTICLE 2 – The center which is laid down in article 7 of the Law No: 2559 is established in six months at the latest”. Decisions and written orders with regard to the interception of the communication, its detection, evaluation of its signal data and recording it are immediately fulfilled by the institutions and organizations which provide telecommunications services and the current systems of the relevant intelligence authorities are maintained to be used pursuant to the provisions of the supplementary
article 7 of the Law No: 2559, supplementary article 5 of the Law No: 2803 and article 6 of the Law No: 2937.

ARTICLE 2 – This Law enters into force at its date of issue to be valid from 23/1/2006.

ARTICLE 3 – Provisions of this law are executed by the Council of Ministers.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Oh Poo Poo Blog — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:45:00 GMT

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

Take a nap


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.. Beer is also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!

It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :

Woo Hoo, what a ride!