I'll get my own back. Phillip Holt 1982
www.nlpnow.com

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.

Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility.

If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

How men got their looks.

















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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

This is one of the cleverest emails in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. 

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' 
 
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
 
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
 
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with othercomputers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
 
     4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
         for it.
 
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
 
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
 
Masculine ('el computador'), because:
 
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
 
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
 
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 
 
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a 
        better model.
 
The women won.

An announcement has been made, quote :-

"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one letter less.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas."

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of petrol,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

  

 

Wait for it….wait for it…………..







You're just gonna love this…..  

 

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never lets you down, or leaves you Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

                            

    

Hope you Enjoy a good laugh!

MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day!!

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed

 

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.





When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in on place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. 


and thinking of calling Jack Daniels or Johnny Walker to come and kepp me company.

Now remember:-
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...
the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes ...
so have fun, think good thoughts only, and laugh at yourself, and count your blessings.

LAW ON AMENDMENTS TO THE LAW ON AMENDMENTS TO SOME LAWS
 
Law No. 5453 Date of Acceptance: 1.2.2006

ARTICLE 1 – The current provisional article of the Law for Making Amendments to Some Laws No: 5397 of 3/7/2005 was numbered with “1” and the following provisional article was added to the Law.

“PROVISIONAL ARTICLE 2 – The center which is laid down in article 7 of the Law No: 2559 is established in six months at the latest”. Decisions and written orders with regard to the interception of the communication, its detection, evaluation of its signal data and recording it are immediately fulfilled by the institutions and organizations which provide telecommunications services and the current systems of the relevant intelligence authorities are maintained to be used pursuant to the provisions of the supplementary
article 7 of the Law No: 2559, supplementary article 5 of the Law No: 2803 and article 6 of the Law No: 2937.

ARTICLE 2 – This Law enters into force at its date of issue to be valid from 23/1/2006.
 
ARTICLE 3 – Provisions of this law are executed by the Council of Ministers.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?  
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  

Take a nap 
  
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.. Beer is also made out of grain.  
 
Bottoms up!
 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.   
  
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular  
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!  
 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 
  

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!  
 
It's the best feel-good food around!
 
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?  
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.  
 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.  
 

And remember:  

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :  
 
Woo Hoo, what a ride!

                                

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following menu options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 .

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call .

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship .

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press .

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep ..

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you .

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever .

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up

For all those of us who've turned 50s and those who're heading that way.

Enjoy and take heed!


1.  Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.

2.  Plan to spend whatever you have saved.  You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left.  Travel if you can afford it.  Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to squabble about …by leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you are gone.

3.  Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows.  It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen.

4.  Enjoy your grandchildren (if blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter.  You have no moral obligation to take care of them.  Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids.  Your parental obligation is to your children.  After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing babysitting are finished.  Let your children raise their own off-springs.

5.   Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains … it is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow. 

6.   Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have.  If you don't have them, it's probably too late.

7.   Enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends.  People, who truly love you, love you for yourself, not for what you have.  Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.

8.  Forgive and accept forgiveness.  Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.

9.  Befriend death … It's a natural part of the life cycle.  Don't be afraid of it.  Death is the beginning of a new and better life.  So, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life with the Almighty.

10.   Be at peace with your Creator.  For ...  He is ALL  you have after you leave this life.

                        'The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune.' - Plutarch

Note:
If you find this article interesting & would like to share it, please feel to do so. However, for confidential reasons, kindly ensure all email trace(s) are deleted before forwarding the mail … Thank you!

Irene Koh

        Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away!

                                                            
                                                                                                                    
                                                                

                                                            
                                                                                                                    

                                                            
                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                        
                                                                

Please send me your internet/email jokes, sayings, pictures, whatever so that we can all share.

Send to  :- jokes@c4more.com

Thank you.

Phillip Holt
www.nlpnow.com

This one is  priceless.. Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.  Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16,  2007

I know you're  surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward  to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S.  Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

                                    

MONDAY            
TUESDAY            
WEDNESDAY      
THURSDAY        
FRIDAY              
SAT & SUN             

                            

                                                  

                                                  

                                                  

                     

                                    

                                    

                                                

                        

                            

                                                    

                                

                                             

                                                            

            

It seems that restaurants come and go like the Basil Restaurant here in Norbiton, they change their names on a regular basis, some as many times as they change their menu.

Like any business, a profit has to be made to pay wages, rent and rates, tax and to invest in the future. Although sometimes it is nice to dine in a quiet romantic restaurant, looking into a loved ones eyes, sharing stories and memories, a quiet empty restaurant will not pay the bills.

Perhaps such restaurants have to change the menu. Perhaps they have to change their decor, tables, cutlery, plates. Perhaps they have to change their prices. Perhaps they have to change the attitude of the staff, waiters, cashiers, cooks.

How can they do that?

Perhaps look at other restaurants, at how they are succeeding. Perhaps they should ask their customers as to what they want. Perhaps they should employ consultants. 

Here is an example and a lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

 

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired ABC Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."



As luck would have it, or on purpose, I dropped my spoon and the waiter was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.
 
Then I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's trouser fly.  Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" 

Then he lowered his voice. "Did you have a sausage for breakfast? Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Oh Poo Poo coming soon.

                                                        When I born, I black 
                                                        When I grow up, I black 

                                                        When I go in Sun, I black 
                                                        When I scared, I black 

                                                        When I sick, I black 
                                                        And when I die, I still black 

                                                        And you white fellow 
                                                        When you born, you pink 
                                                        When you grow up, you white 
                                                        When you go in sun, you red 

                                                        When you cold, you blue 
                                                        When you scared, you yellow 

                                                        When you sick, you green 
                                                        And when you die, you gray 

                                                        And you calling me coloured?